Now I haven’t kept a journal or anything like it in over 20 years and suddenly decided…why not? This is going to be my rant wall and random thought wall. Welcome to it and enjoy the ride, I won’t be filtering anything here so consider yourself fore-warned.
This is something that regularly pisses me off, so if you have soft sensibilities you will likely want to just skip reading this right now. I’m pulling no punches in this.
Everyone assumes freedom of speech means you get to say whatever you want when you want, which is MOSTLY true. However, there is a disturbing trend with young adults around college age, minority support groups, and the extremes of both ends of the political spectrum that is showing itself again and again. They think they can say whatever they want and avoid the consequences! The freedom of speech says you can say whatever you want and you cannot be silenced, it does NOT say you will not have to face the consequences and repercussions of what you said however!
The news is full of idiots spouting their views, then being surprised and shocked and even outraged when people say views that are the opposite. We have fools that think they can say whatever they want, and when it starts a fight are shocked that charges get levied against them. This is how it works people, you are RESPONSIBLE for what you say! You can say whatever you want, but you also have to accept full responsibility for what you say (even in anger) and the fallout from it.
The first amendment wasn’t designed to protect your fragile feelings. It was designed to harbor free thought. You have two choices if you don’t like something:
Ignore it or say something back.
But, if you’re unable to do either of those things, it makes you a fool. Being offended is not a valid third option.
The amount of PC thought process and such being crammed down our throats is pathetic. It is even pervading the internet with the number of people being offended by random innocuous things said in group chats, Facebook threads, etc. At this point people…if it offends you just shut up and close the web page. The person talking will stop at some point, go to another site, go to another group, or log out. By being all offended and making a scene you are actually being worse and more disruptive than whatever “sexist” “racist” or “offensive” thing was said as it would have been forgotten quickly and ignored.
Time to act like adults, being offended and crying about it ends at high school…and even then most of us rolled our eyes at you for crying about it. If the reason you are upset is because you feel offended by someone’s words, you are wasting EVERYONE’S time, including your own. Shrug your shoulders, call the person an idiot, and focus on what makes you happy.
Yeah, a rather vague title I know but it jumped into my mind and decided to force it’s way on out. So strap in and enjoy the randomness.
Between people, fitting means how well people fit together. Personalities matching up, habits, likes, dislikes, activities, etc, etc. Doesn’t matter if you mean friends, coworkers, or lovers. How well you fit together is going to be reflected generally pretty obviously weather you like it or not. As an example my girl and me have a habit of routinely answering exactly as the other one tries to say the same thing, or saying something right as the other thinks it. That is rare and when you find someone like that you genuinely should not let go.
Finding this fit however is not easy and doesn’t happen overnight. People grow together, you won’t just meet someone and suddenly find someone finishing your every sentence. It doesn’t happen, they have even given up on that trope in movies finally.
Unfortunately it seems people crave fitting with someone so tightly, that they will make themselves see it. We all know someone like this, they meet someone and immediately fall all in with them. Then there is this whole total belief they are ‘connected’ and ‘we just fit’. Yet, when you start to talk to this person about who they met and ask questions that anyone who fits should know…they know none of the answers. I personally know several women who all do this, repeatedly. You point it out and they typically go ‘I know, next time I am keeping my eyes open’ and within a week they are back to being so sure this guy they met last night is the one they fit so good with.
This links into knowing yourself in that you cannot truly fit with anyone, not friends, family, lovers, anyone till you understand yourself or at least have an image of yourself and who you are. You cannot fit with people who love football, who live and breath supporting one team, when you can’t stand football let alone any team. You cannot fit with geeks when you never geek out about something like books, movies, video games, science, math, or other pursuits of the mind. You must know who you are, what you like, what you don’t, what you are comfortable with, what you aren’t, and find those who ca understand you. Among those who understand you, you may get lucky and find someone that truly fits with you.
It all starts with knowing who you are, then finding those that follow similar paths. People slowly fit together after that over time. Over time being the important part of it as if you always chase the honeymoon period of any kind of relationship you will never truly fit with anyone. Truly and totally fitting with someone only happens after the honeymoon is long since past.
Lets get right to it, friendship. Not a simple thing to actually wrap your head around. It is amorphous and undefined. Yet also an intrinsic part of the human experience. Whenever we read about the hero, it always starts with the friends of the hero. Whenever we hear about a movie, funny joke, new music, etc…it is always through friends. Whenever we hurt, our friends sooth us. When we are happy, our friends make it more so.
Typically speaking, the kind of friend people say they want is a sibling-like feeling. This is rarely the case as most friendships fracture over things that true siblings can get over. Siblings also tend to deflect and soft foot around topics they know will set you off. This is not true friendship on any counts. A true friend is a mirror, but they do not reflect only the good. A true friend will tell you when you are being a dick, point out your flaws without flinching, poke at your weakness. They do it though because they care, they will help you up, they will try to help you through it. They will also cover up what can’t be fixed or worked through. You have a weakness in being scared of heights, your friend will poke fun of it mercilessly at times, but also remember to warn you if something is high and steer you away from something that will truly set you off. In such an example rather than force you to take a sky bridge that happens to have a grating walkway that you could see through, and thus cause you to freak out, they will ride down the elevator with you and walk across the street alongside you. Sure, they might crack a joke or three about it, but they will do it because they know you can’t handle it. Say you have a birth mark on your face, they will point it out and crack a joke…they will also endeavor to make you feel good about it so you can joke it off just as well. Most importantly, a friend is willing to be direct and blunt with you, tell you the truth to your face rather than try to not address an issue.
A friend need not always be there, need not be someone you always talk with, or even see all that often. A true friend can easily be someone you don’t even talk to every year! Time is not important, that trust and camaraderie IS. We all have heard the many sayings such as; A true friend doesn’t bail you out of jail, they are sitting beside you in the cell going “damn that was fun”. Sayings like these only get to part of it, they tend to focus on your friend being beside you through it all. That isn’t even remotely the important part. Your truest friend will stick beside you in spirit through it all. They know YOU, not the you that is shown to the world, they know the you that you hide in the darkness. Know what they do with that knowledge? Nothing. They simply support you, share jokes and share burdens.
Why all of this you ask? No reason, just randomness spawned by a sudden influx of friendship memes out there. That and my laughing at people who consider themselves to be good friends when I can see the shuffle movements in the background. Why don’t I say anything you might ask? Because those involved are no friends of mine and I don’t stick my nose into other people’s business, however I will find amusement in watching events unfold. I am a people watcher, I enjoy figuring people out and watching how they interact.
As for my best friend? It is the amazing woman I love. True friends? I can pretty well count them on one hand, introverts don’t end up with many. Those we have, we treasure. I know for a fact being my friend is not easy. I am blunt, and I am honest…brutally so more often than not. I do not lie, to friend or foe, and have found that the blunt honest truth cuts far deeper than any lie ever could. So the true friends I have are hardy folk that can take it, some of them only in short doses so they refrain from asking me things some days, but they all know I’ll bust my hump to help them out.
So here is some appreciation for the friends that put up with all of us, and still stick by us anyway, because I know I put mine through the wringer on occasion.
This one might get away from me as it meanders from my mind but hold on until the end.
We say you need to know yourself, understand yourself before you ever jump into a relationship. Yet people rarely, if ever, bother to try to understand themselves. To make a relationship work and be healthy, requires you to understand who you are with. Now, follow the logic. People rarely can answer questions about knowing themselves, to the point that if I sat and asked hard questions I would receive a lot of “I don’t know” and ‘only thought about right there on the spot’ responses.
How do you find yourself? How do you come to an understanding of yourself and who you are with? It is not easy, and requires introspection that most shudder to even think about because it WILL make you uncomfortable.
What do you want? Such a simple question right? People often can rattle off 15 things without much thought. None of which are the truth. To answer this one question requires some understanding of yourself. One answer people often give is to live comfortably, yet how often do we see people who ARE living comfortably be miserable? The reality is they don’t want comfort, they want to rough it to one degree or another, or they need constant competition of some form. Some people always need a goal, they need to achieve things. Not necessarily huge things, but they need to feel like they have done something every week. Such people cannot sit idle for long periods. Others need direction or they float aimlessly no matter how focused on their goal they are. You need to know yourself, be willing to answer that uncomfortable question and see the truth of who you are. If you are an achiever, don’t make a goal for yourself that is going to take years, you will be miserable. You make your goals week by week, and you do not get ambitious and suddenly make your goals larger as you accomplish things. If you do, not hitting your goal will crush you. Likewise someone that needs direction will have to have someone nudge them here and there. The rough it type needs to intentionally keep their house or work in a state that lets them push themselves or feel the work, such as using a stove for heat and chop the wood yourself. The competitor needs to find something that can keep the competition going, which means purposefully NOT doing something you are amazing at often as those you regularly pit yourself against might not be able to keep up with that. For example, if you are great at archery but everyone you compete against can’t be even half as good as you, it means you compete against them in throwing knives or axes as an example. Due to you not being as practiced or innately as good at it now you won’t outshine everyone and you have something to compete and push yourself at.
To know yourself, to understand yourself means answering this bluntly and honestly. It means self analyzing what you do and why you do it. You must remove self bias and look at yourself and your actions as an outsider. This is notoriously painful for anyone that tends to be an asshole or a complete bitch. When they self reflect they tend to over compensate on the niceness for awhile. Those who are extraordinarily nice people tend to be more aloof for a period after true self reflection as well. This is an understandable reaction as one looks at themselves from an outsider view they also see the harsh shadows they might not want to admit to themselves. Extremely outgoing people will uncover a reason for why they push themselves and find it might not be all that happy of a reason. It is usually the bad things that shape us, be it bad memories, bad habits, bad injuries, etc. The good leaves it’s mark too, but our natural self protection our mind uses tends to cause a shift in personality that becomes ingrained. The why isn’t important, simply knowing you do something or are this way is what is needed for this.
It is in this reflection that you will learn if you are also being true to what you claim to be. I am dominant. I did not choose to be so, I did not see it somewhere and think that would be cool, or that it looks neat, or that “hey, getting a subby girl who will do everything you say sounds awesome so I’mma be a dom”. It was natural progression from being around people, inevitably those with a follower mentality looked to me, and I kept such people on track. Women are attracted to confidence and those who followed what I did actively tried to make me happy as well, natural progression into being a dominant within the lifestyle. It doesn’t end there, some people are just good leaders, it doesn’t make them a good dominant though. Dominants have to care, have to take responsibility for, and invest in their submissive. Plenty of guys like all of what I said right up to the responsibility part. They want respect and feel that a submissive serving them is respect, but without giving it the submissive feels less like they are in a relationship and more like they are simply a replaceable cog. These kinds of dominants don’t want to actually be responsible, they just want someone to wait on them and do what they say. This is not a dominant. This is just someone who found a submissive and is exploiting their nature. When it comes to giving orders and expecting them to be followed. Emotion is only good if you are in control of it, yelling and letting anger or frustration effect you while attempting to give orders only makes things worse and will only lead to a submissive that is likely to not hear you. They will ‘hear’ you but they won’t be listening, and likely will run off if you continue acting like a child.
Submissives are on the flip side, they have to feel it and truly desire it. Plenty out there think they hold all the power and a dominant has to out guess them and take care of all their wants and needs and guess what they want. That is not how the lifestyle works. The submissive gets what they need, truly need, not what they think they need. Yes this is a distinction one must recognize before stepping into the lifestyle. A submissive gets what they need, the dominant gets what they want. A submissive might find things they want to do getting pushed back, it is a want, let go of any frustration and serve your dominant as you are in the lifestyle to serve and feel fulfilled through it. Now, wants are not supposed to just keep being pushed back more and more and more, a dominant has to try and weave it all in, we are human and will often fail at this. Remain respectful and calmly talk about it. Getting emotional and yelling will accomplish nothing but make your dominant even less likely to hear you. As a submissive you must retain the respect for your dominant if you want the relationship to hold. Apologize after outbursts, regardless if you feel at fault. Any time you slip, apologize respectfully and it smooths out most any ruffled feathers. Now, in spite of all of this, a submissive is not a doormat and must be respected and cherished. If you do not feel this than do not stick around. I haven’t forgotten my original statement, and here it comes. Do not jump into submissive because of the imagery, because you read something that turned you on. Submissives in the lifestyle have to embrace fully without even one second looking back that need to serve another. To feel truly at peace and complete while on your knees at the call of another. If you resent it, chafe at it, fight it, need to be made to submit again and again, than you are not submissive and are merely fighting your own nature because this is where you think you need to be. Do not fight yourself! This will tear you up more than even what the worst dominant could ever do to you.
So that is the lifestyle from singular perspective. I am not done yet. Remember, you don’t just have to know yourself, you have to know who you are with! This means watching who you are with objectively. Looking at how you are together and are you actually happy? While spending time together; are you happy, feel loved, feel cared for? I mean genuinely feel it. Not “I know they love me” yet never actually feel it. While together do you feel more like roommates that just happen to occasionally do couple things? Friends with benefits but no actual relationship? Do you feel resentment as often as anything else? Why? The why is important! You can never fix it, or look out for it if you do not understand or seek to understand the why. Now, the why is not always a satisfactory answer, sometimes it is simply “they are a dick”. Why they are that way might not be known, but just the fact they are that way toward you is enough. Do not cling to such a relationship, ever. It is better to tear your own heart out early and get away and heal than to cling onto something that isn’t there, that you are romanticizing, and will only make you worse. Notice I have not once mentioned which side of the relationship in this, it effects both equally. You made a connection, you love them, it isn’t always bad, none of these are valid reasons to keep a relationship going if it is harmful to you. This is where knowing yourself really hits home. If you know that the other side is a total ass, a bitch, a backstabber, or whatever than there is no reason to ever allow yourself to be one more second with them. Yes it will hurt, yes it will shake you up, but if you know yourself than you also will know what you need to do to keep moving forward and heal past them.
I did warn you in the beginning it will wander and I am not done. Knowing yourself, as I touched upon in the beginning, is more than just the lifestyle and relationships that are romantic. In the business world you have to get close enough with your coworkers to know their motivations, or else you will never truly be able to work with them effectively. Remember these people are coworkers paid to do a job, they aren’t friends until you have made a bond with them and they have made a bond with you. People hate to think on it but many are the coworkers that will do small underhanded things in order to look better in the eyes of the boss. I in no way condone acting in such a way, simply be aware and protect your ass. If your part of things is always done, no fault can be found with you. However, if you know your coworkers, understand them and their motivations, you can quickly ingratiate yourself even with people that may not like you that much.
Understanding others also lets you help them better. A submissive that truly knows their dominant will be able to serve the dominant so much more. That isn’t to say the submissive won’t need the usual, being told what to do for the thrill of following orders. We are all human, a dominant that comes home from a crappy day at work. The dominant in question tends to believe that after a bad day they need to do something with the submissive. Yet the submissive has learned from watching and paying attention that their dominant actually gets through the bad mood from work faster and comes out happier if the dominant is left alone with a book to read. Thus in understanding the needs and the way their dominant is, the submissive can be ready with a book and either say they feel this will help, or go run an errand and chores to leave the dominant alone. This is easier to do with the situation reversed but the submissive can still act and use that understanding to serve. A dominant that is actually committed to the relationship would truly appreciate such an act. It shows the connection and bond is strong to see a need and fulfill it so.
Things are rarely cut and dried. I meandered and wove back and forth but…that is the point of this blog. Thoughts spill out and the rant/discussion starter just writes itself. I’m honestly not sure if a point was made and I’ve reread through this several times but…still pleased with it. Understanding and knowing oneself also takes into account knowing when to just be happy with what you have done and accomplished rather than nit picking yourself to the point of destruction over attempting perfection. We are human, perfection doesn’t exist for flawed beings.
Yes, I tend to like imagery and metaphor but this particular one just fits, read on dear reader.
I am a part of the D/s world, not the BDSM one. This is a particular point of conviction and one I argue about endlessly when people show their ignorance, many are willfully ignorance, of the distinction. D/s stands for dominance and submission and the acronym stands in place for the lifestyle and relationship involving such. BDSM on the other hand stands for bondage, discipline, sadism, and masochism. Dominance and submission is not there, the d and s do not stand for that, and the meaning behind the acronym is for the kinky fuckery devoid of the relationship. People “play together” in BDSM but a relationship is not required and often those who talk about the BDSM community aren’t interested in true relationships anyway. This is important information as it relates heavily to what follows.
In the world people always want to know who they are, what they are, where do they fit in. At some point they begin to look at themselves sexually and wonder if they fit in elsewhere. Those looking at D/s to find these options have a daunting task ahead of them that they MUST fully go through before stepping into the lifestyle with any chances of success. If a dominant does not know what they are doing, or doesn’t fully embrace the many responsibilities, they will inevitably cause damage to whatever submissive they are with. Likewise a submissive that does not accept their responsibilities is going to be a cause of much frustration and find themselves consistently without someone because they refuse to embrace their submission.
Dominants have a lot they need to just simply embrace and stop acting like normal people would and toss out normal expectations. A submissive looks to their dominant, this means a dominant either needs to know what they want to do, or have a general idea…at all times. The dominant does not get to be care free and wanderlust just simply is not an option. If a submissive cannot feel like they are helping or making their dominant happy it crushes them, thus a dominant must be able to at the least LOOK like they have a goal or point in order to keep the submissive on target. This does not mean a submissive is weak or lost or completely dependent upon the dominant for every direction, it simply means that as a dominant your job is to keep your submissive happy and their needs met for them to feel settled and truly content with their place. A dominant must set boundaries, rules, expectations, and be clear on what is expected. You don’t just get to come home flop into a chair and be a slug while the other person just functions. You come home and direct and interact, remember this is a relationship and it requires work and maintenance.
Submissives have important responsibilities themselves as well. What can be a big problem for submissives is surprisingly remembering to submit. A submissive often causes many of their own problems in a relationship by not submitting or not submitting fully. This is a concous effort to remember that you need to submit yourself in order to even get the happiness you need. This means remembering after a day of getting things done, doing your job, working on projects, what ever you were doing that when your dominant talks you listen and submit. This is by no means easy and can easily be forgotten in the day to day of work and house maintenance. This single responsibility doesn’t sound like much, but it is huge and hard to maintain when you add in emotions such as anger and annoyance into the mix as the need to submit is above everything and must be maintained through everything. Now, this is a task you will never fully succeed at, recognizing it, apologizing and correcting it go far in showing you care and are committed to the relationship dynamic.
The biggest thing is to be sure this is how you feel. My header is the skin you see and the skin you need. You must be comfortable inside of your own skin, but it has to be YOUR skin not what you see and like. Don’t ever go “I like the sound of this” and jump into it. Don’t ever take an option because you can do it, or think you can do it. Never shoot out and try this just to enhance your options. The lifestyle is something you have to feel, it has to be instinctual and natural, not a pair of pants you slide into. It has to be a skin, your skin. I have noticed many claiming to be of the lifestyle, and others playing around in it and not taking it seriously while wondering why they never find someone that sticks with them. Others don’t even understand why they work well together, they just do. It really boils down to a simple thing, they are comfortable in their skin and aren’t guessing at it. They feel what they are and wear it as a skin rather than wear it like a pair of pants that is easily removed. If you don’t truly feel a calling to be dominant or submissive, it is better that you play in the BDSM world rather than attempt to join the lifestyle. Now, if you find that calling while in the BDSM world, you will be comfortable in your skin and be able to transition into the lifestyle with ease. You do not, however, ever want to just jump into the lifestyle without a feeling of who you are, rarely does that end well.
In the end, don’t get caught up in what you hope and what you like or what you think sounds/looks amazing. Find what calls to you, what you actually need and make it your own, the rest comes after that.
So yeah, I’m nervous. Yes, Me. Going across the country to try and start a new life is a bit daunting, yet exciting all at the same time. My pet, my heart, my love…is a patient sort. We both have issues that will come up and both will have new things to get used to.
Me? I am looking forward to it all, even the bad or unpleasant things. The grey skies will be a salvation for my eyes and the constant rain will keep the allergens down. These are huge quality of life improvements. Anyone that actually reads this likely knows something about me, I am in pain 24/7 and have light sensitive eyes. The severity of both is something many never know. So here it is without any pretty language. My nerves on most days are like bacon being sizzled slow. It is a constant ache that never lets up and never gets better. My eyes hurt most of the day too, it is impossible to filter all of sunlight out. I have the least pain sitting inside of a room with the curtains drawn, but I can’t do that every day! I need fresh air, I need sunlight even despite how much I grumble about it. Where I’ll be living at come July…sunlight is filtered through clouds way more often than not and I’ll be able to walk around without flinching at sunlight slipping past my hat and glasses. I really, truly, cannot stress how freeing that is! For 20 years I have been limited by my eyes, to get even a bit of that back is huge.
I touched on my pain. The bad days are like liquid fire flowing under my skin. The good days are like a cool river, and virtually every one of those cool river days have been days when I was with my pet. So yes…I am excited, legitimately and fully excited by this prospect of feeling human again and being happy with my love. Why haven’t I expounded poetically about her? That is simple….I say it to her every day that I love her so. What I don’t say often is act or admit to being excited…well, let her see it in me now because I am excited.